


Might as well go out with a bang

by ShimadaGenji



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Not Beta Read, Spoilers for episode 111, literally just blacked out and this spawned in my computer, mighty nein only mentioned, my take on what he might be going through, or a what if!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:35:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26704579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShimadaGenji/pseuds/ShimadaGenji
Summary: In the storm, alongside Cree, he has a goal.He's had a lifetime and more to think about it.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 36





	Might as well go out with a bang

The wind hadn’t died down. The blizzard remained raging through the night all the way to the morning, the snow so thick he could barely tell it was day.

He sat by the entrance of the small alcove he and Cree had taken for shelter during the night, shielded from the winds, skin uncomfortably burning under the cold. 

He would breathe in and hold it there. He’d breathe out and his vision would be clouded for a second before it was cleared again. 

And he only saw a sea of white.

He’d been traveling with Cree for a while now, just a couple more days and they’d be hitting the city…

When he met Cree a few weeks ago, it was his first time seeing her. She had been so excited, so relieved. And it was strange for him to be hugged by a stranger like that. Her relief had quickly turned into apprehension.

“Lucien… It’s me, don’t you remember me?”

Back then he didn’t. Didn’t remember himself. But Cree was talented and determined, and she touched his head gently.

And it all came back.

Lucien remembered his subpar childhood. His dreams of grandiose fate. The book. The stories. The tomb takers.

The ritual.

There was as much relief as there was a visceral panic in him when he clutched her arms, remembering the years they spent together chasing after dreams. They dedicated their lives to that single goal. He laid his own for it.

Cree had wiped his face, reassuring him that they could still do it, even if it took just the two of them. They could achieve their dream.

He had nodded along.

And now he sat by the entrance of an alcove in the middle of a blizzard.

Lucien remembered his life.

He remembered all of it.

_ All _ of it.

He remembered Mollymauk.

He remembered the circus taking him in. Yasha. The Mighty Nein. Meeting Cree again. Getting involved in things bigger than him.

He remembered his second death.

It had been such a short life, so devoid of goal or responsibility. He started empty. There was none of Lucien’s passion and single-minded actions. There was no point to it, just living through one day and then the next. 

Days counted, a life borrowed.

Then why had he felt so fulfilled then?

Lucien died with visions of horrors beyond this plane and blood in his mouth. Trying to grasp something that never was quite within his reach. Dreaming on being something more, of filling a space in history, even if just a bit.

Molly lived without a care, making himself be as much a nuisance as a spectacle. Painting the word with an impression of himself and leaving every place better than he found it. His ultimate goal just to feel joy.

And he did feel it.

Amazing how losing it all, Mollymauk found a happiness Lucien never had.

But both of them had always walked on a road to self destruction. Lucien for his dreams and Molly for his sins. In the hands of a god killing weapon or at the bottom of a bottle and the disdain to consequences.

Lucien was Molly, and Molly was Lucien. And he was both of them.

And he was none of them.

He could never go back to being them, there was only moving forward with what he had in his head. There was no blind, passionate devotion to a fate anymore, there was no blissful ignorance. But he knew what had to be done now. 

He looked back at Cree as she finished packing up their things to keep moving.

He wondered how the Mighty Nein were doing now. What they had done without him. It couldn’t be too bad, they had a talent for attracting bad things, but things always just worked out somehow. They all were a mess, but they got together and made something good out of it.

He couldn’t be any prouder to be honest.

He wondered what Cree would think of him once she realized what he was doing. 

He hoped she’d only do it too late.

Because he had been in a path of self destruction all along. He might as well just finish this. Burn this sick delusion down to the ground. Free her from looking into it any longer. For their sake. Hopefully for hers as well.They had been naive fools chasing this. But it was hard to let go of one’s life. He’d know that. But he could do it now, now that he had lived a life that wasn’t so tied to nines. To this curse beyond the blood. Right Lucien’s mistakes, honor Molly’s memory. Yet another ultimate sacrifice.

  
  
  


He huffed a laugh.

“Excited?” Cree asked, hands clasped together over her chest. Looking at him in the same way she always did. 

He’s supposed to be leading her, and she will always remain loyal.

He smiled at her, the charming way he always had done.

“It’s been a long time coming, right?”

And she smiled back.

“We better get going then.”

“Yes.”

And he left the alcove with her. 

It was easy to deceive her. As easy as it had been to deceive himself.

He had always been a big fucking liar, even before Mollymauk.

Ah well… Third time’s the charm, right?

**Author's Note:**

> I just think that if molly got all his memories back, the lucien part of him would never want to kill the molly of him ever... because molly was happy y'all... he was happy oh god.... and lucien IS molly!!!!


End file.
